Question: Do you only listen to people that you agree with or can you listen to people for no reason other than you find that the way they think is different or interesting?
Let's suppose that you come across a person on social media that seems knowledgeable on a particular topic that you have an interest in.
You like what this person has to say so you start to follow them.
You read almost every post and you really enjoy all of their content for a few weeks; a few months; maybe even longer.
One day they post something that you just can't agree with - something that doesn't align neatly with what you believe - so you unfollow them.
Just like that.
This is a scenario that actually happens all the time on social media. It's happened to me, too.
In October of 2022 an international yoga teacher revealed to her massive online following that she was eating meat and was no longer a vegan. She explained how her decision was health related and she received support in her choice.
She also received a great deal of blowback and a lot of people unfollowed her.
A few years ago a psychologist who is very popular online announced their sexual orientation to their audience. It rubbed a whole lot of the psychlogist's followers the wrong way.
Just like the yoga teacher, the psychologist received some support, but also lost a huge number of followers.
With one single post, people who agreed with everything that they had previously said were suddenly against these two people and unfollowing them.
There are many more, but these are just two examples of people who had an online presence with some people following them for a long time, and even after all of that, it only took one single post to have a lot of people click the unfollow button.
But this, as you might imagine, has nothing to do with yoga or psychology.
This has nothing to do with vegans or meat eaters.
This isn't about anyone's sexual preference, either.
For or Against. And the Problem Starts…
I used to scroll through certain discussion threads (more like argument threads) on the internet because I would invariably come across a point of view that I had not considered before. But I still felt exhausted, and sometimes frustrated, from all of the strife and tension that was on display in these threads after I left them.
Then one day it hit me…
No matter where people may stand on an issue, both sides of that issue are claiming they are the sole proprietors of the truth.
Everyone is arguing over whose beliefs are right and whose are wrong.
Everyone is claiming that their beliefs are the only accurate or correct ones and to disagree with them is to be wrong. Period.
Is it just me, or does that sound an awful lot like tyranny?
As long as we are in complete agreement with someone, they are great. As soon as they say or do something that we don't completely agree with, in the blink of an eye they can become the enemy. Someone we once liked and listened to is no longer liked (or listened to), and the only reason is that they did something or they believe something that we don't completely agree with.
When we do ask them questions, it's only so we can disagree and argue with the answers that we get.
Has anyone in any place and at any time ever won an internet argument? I can answer that.
No.
But rest assured, both sides of the debate will believe that they dropped some nugget of wisdom, some life changing information, or irrefutable facts on the other side, and that they "won".
Black and White
If I look at something different than you - if I believe something different than you - does that make one of us wrong and one of us right…or is it just different? What about that thing called "subjective"?
You have thoughts that I'll probably never think, just as I have thoughts that you'll probably never think.
Many of us were raised in a world in which we were taught that, in effect, everything is black and white. Consequently, we end up feeling that we need to be right about everything because, of course, in a black and white world if we aren't right, then we are wrong.
In a black and white world everything is either perfect or it's imperfect.
In this type of world, those are your only choices. We believe that we must have an answer to everything and we need to be right about all of it, also.
When we're taught to view things as black or white - as either completely wrong or completely right - it makes it very difficult to see any of the other colors of the spectrum. It's already very difficult to do, but this makes it all but impossible to look at anything without the biases of our own beliefs.
We'll cling to fixed or rigid explanations of things when we don't know what's going on or we're afraid/unsure of it because we have to try to make everything fit into the black or into the white; into our already existing belief system.
Black and white thinking leads to the belief that we have to be perfect. It's been drilled into many of us from the beginning. If we think we need to be perfect (or already are perfect) then having to make a change in our lives, or admit we are wrong, would be the same as admitting that we aren't perfect.
As a result, anything that goes against our perceived truths - whether it's personal, political, physical, spiritual, societal, or otherwise - is seen as intimidating, threatening, or just wrong.
We need to believe that the world is a certain way and so we'll deliberately attack - or ignore - anything that threatens our beliefs concerning how things are.
We need to be right about everything, up to and including our own shortcomings and limitations. We'll even go so far as to unwittingly sabotage our own lives just to prove that we are right.
We end up holding onto ideals or beliefs that simply aren't true, which in turn can lead to feelings of failure.
And this is nothing but a breeding ground for anxiety and depression.
But compassion, empathy, and humility (which is demonstrated by asking questions and listening) - all of the characteristics we need in order to feel what someone else is feeling and to understand where they are coming from - can not be reduced to black and white absolutes. They are only cultivated when we can look at our own faults.
The funny thing is, if we feel that we need to be perfect then we will always be judging ourselves as imperfect. Not only are we judging whether everyone else is right or wrong, we are judging our own imperfections.
Is it any wonder so many people are filled with fear and anxiety?
The Blame Game
I suppose we could blame the internet, itself, for these problems but this would seem to exclude ourselves from any personal responsibility.
The internet and social media did not create something new in humanity, it only provided a new outlet for something that was already within us.
The world wide web is only a tool and it is just pointing it's finger right back at us, but we're too wrapped up in our need to be perfect, and in our own anger and self-righteousness, to see it.
This internet has actually brought us all closer together but we can't see the forest for the trees.
Again, the internet isn't to blame but it appears to have given us a place where we can pretend we're perfect. Additionally, it seems to have altered our perception of what perfect is.
Quite frankly, I think it's modified our perception of everything.
There once was a time when we had friends from every socioeconomic background and we were able to keep company with all different types of people. And now? Now, anyone who doesn't believe as we do or do the same things that we do, is considered a threat in many cases.
The internet was designed as a tool to help empower humanity. As with any tool, how we use it determines what we get out of it. We can use the tool to fill in holes in our reasoning or we can use it to expose holes in our reasoning. We can use the tool to feel morally superior or we can use it to try and understand other ideologies or points of view.
I'm not saying your own personal beliefs are bad or wrong, but if they interfere with your ability to listen and to communicate with another - regardless of what they believe - then your ideology may have some shortcomings or weaknesses to look into.
Everything is "toxic" anymore. Everything is toxic because we have become less tolerant of individual differences. We don't discuss. We don't ask questions. We just fight about who is right and who is wrong. We're anxious because we don't understand our neighbors. We don't even understand ourselves. And whose fault is that?
We don't know someone else's experiences and we certainly can't know their lives, no matter how much we like to believe that we do - but rather than listening, we go straight to arguing about how they're wrong.
Either it is or it isn't - but what if it's something else entirely?
What if there is no right or wrong - only understanding?
If we are so sure of our own beliefs then why can't we entertain another person's beliefs? Are our beliefs that fragile?
Nobody believes everything exactly the same as you do. Not your spouse or closest friend or even your family members.
Nobody.
So why do I have to believe exactly as you do to enjoy the pleasure of your company?
Photo - Coffee And A Map
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